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Just the other day, as I was crossing the busy street on the way to get my favorite cup of coffee, I noticed a sign " For Sale Gourmet Coffee Shop". Of course, I was devastated. I had images of withering away to nothing as I walked zombie-like from one assignment to the other without the assistance of my morning cup of coffee. I had been coming to this same gourmet coffee shop for over a decade. My life, as I saw it, was officially over. Okay, maybe seeing the sign "For Sale Gourmet Coffee Shop" was a bit upsetting, but honestly, I am being a bit mellow dramatic here. Gourmet coffee shops were a dime a dozen, right? A gourmet coffee shop on every street corner, right? There are gourmet coffee shop franchises popping up in every corner of the globe that contains a living, breathing person: living is optional. All I had to do was find myself a new gourmet coffee shop. Simple. Easy. Fun. Was I ever wrong. I took one last glance at that sign reading "For Sale Gourmet Coffee Shop" in big yellow letters and smiled as I hopped down the street - happily looking forward to the adventure that awaited me. I knew I had seen a gourmet coffee shop around the corner somewhere. All I had to do was find the coffee shop, go in, order my coffee, and leave. I knew this sounded too easy. My first stop was a rather large gourmet coffee shop franchise I will lovingly call BarStucks: any resemblance to any franchise in the past, now, or future is purely coincidence. BarStucks smelled delicious! I figured I had found my new home. Since discovering that sign which read "For Sale Gourmet Coffee Shop" my day has improved. Then I tried to order. It went something like this. Me: I would like one medium coffee.
Them: So you want a Grande cup of coffee? What kind of coffee would you like ma'am?
Me: No, no. I want a medium cup, not a Grande.
Them: Ma'am, Barstucks does not have a "medium cup". We have a Short, a Tall, a Grande, a Venti, and a Grande Supremo.
Me: I just want a medium coffee. How many ounces are in those cups?
Them: Ounces? I don't know. What kind of coffee would you like?
Me: A medium cup.
Them: I am sorry, ma'am. We do not have a medium cup. We have a Short, a...
Me: I know, I know. Okay, I want a cup of coffee that is... Can I see what the cups look like? (At this point, she rolls her eyes and points to a display of cups that range from what I would call baby-sized to one that would quench the thirst of a family of 8 for a week in the desert.)
Me: (After pondering for a few moments the girl is starting to look extremely irritated. Another young girl appears from somewhere and opens another register.) I will take that one. (I excitedly point to one that is about the right size.)
Them: That is a Tall. So you want a Tall coffee? What kind of coffee would you like?
Me: You know, a cup of coffee?
(At this point she rattles up so many different foreign words I swear she was from another planet. Mocha, espresso, latte, verti, lerti, helpa… I lost track.)
Me: (Interrupting after about 5 minutes of non-stop talk.) Do you have a cup of, you know, normal coffee? Needless to say, I left that BarStucks franchise after nearly an hour with not one cup of coffee. Why would any rational, sane human being do this to themselves? I, for one, will never shop at another "BarStucks" as long as I am humanly capable of avoiding such atrocities. Of course, this left me still pondering what I was going to do for my normal cup of coffee in the morning. I stopped at looked at that sign: For Sale Gourmet Coffee Shop. I did what any rational person would do. I took down the sign, went in, and eventually bought that shop. Never again will I worry about the origination of my next cup of java.
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